Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
