grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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