Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
