Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
