It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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