I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
