Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
