Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
