he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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