I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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