nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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