his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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