that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
