He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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