Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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