I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
