New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
