I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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