just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
