Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
