That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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