I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
