So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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