I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
