i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize