I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
