He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sext me about skeletons
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
