I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
