I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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