life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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