I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
