Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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