this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
