Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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