also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
All the doctor said was why
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
