We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
God, I missed his penis.
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