I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Plan B is the new Plan A
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
