I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
