Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
