census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
