I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
