you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
