jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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