Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize