cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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