My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
this will be a night to untag.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
