The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Drunk is a universal language darling
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
