Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
