Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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