he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just blew my weed a kiss
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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