Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
