Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize