Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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