Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
