You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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