zippers are such a cool invention
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
