I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
