Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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